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| I hope we're going to be okay.
I'm done with the whole 'He said, She said' type of shit. Whatever happens, happens. I know I can be foolish but this one chance to receive that type of love Ive been searching for...So I'm not gonna let it go. I wanna stick with it. He made it okay and fixed it with Tina. He came back to me to talk to me so what more reason do I have? I can't help how I feel. and in the worst case scenario, I already foreseen it and expected it so when I do and if I do get fucked over, at least I already anticipated it right? So I'll be okay. I just hope I'm doing the right thing and letting the river flow its boat to the right coarse.
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| I know I fucked up and honestly I only regret half of what I did. &That part is that I did something behind my friend's back. Someone I love trust and adore. It had to be her. It was wrong but I still did it. I felt like a bitch doing it cause I was being selfish and fuckk, I am a bitch. But i couldn't stop the way I felt for him.
So I did have feelings for AJ. Strong enough to want a relationship because I couldn't have the emotional embrace that Ryan gave me and the security that Kenny could've given me. But I wouldn't really go through with the relationship. I didn't love him, not even as a friend. I just really liked him. Lot of people don't know the different but I do. He seemed real and its actions speaks louder than words right? Spending the whole day with him and his focus on me was important to me. It felt right and I enjoyed it. Most importantly, it felt right for me to be there. He took care of me. Ryan couldn't do that and I missed out on that. But eh, whatevers. So much fuckin shit. I know what I saw and felt and if he lied bout it, he lied it about it and I'm a fool. If he hadn't then Im real with it. I'll never really know. But i gave him my word that I'll trust him, there's nothing I can do or want to do. So there you have it.
With Ryan, even as a friend he continues to pull on my strings. I don't know what it is but he knows how to put a smile on my face and he knows when I have s mile on my face. Without me making a sound, he just knows.. I know he pulls away even when he wants to give so much more to me cause its better that way. He doesn't' want to risk anything. He needs to prioritize whats better for him first.. and I understand that. Its weird that I could hurt him even without us expecting anything from one another.. it shows that we care in a deeper level. Thats why I keep him close. Its not using him or replacing my emotions.. Its how it always has been. He's the only person above all I seriously considered a relationship with. Even with AJ, I didn't consider it.. I know Ryan is more compatible and trust with my full heart he won't hut me. So people, don't give me shit about me and Ryan. I did like him. I did love him and there's more to meet than the eye with how we feel and act and the way we are around each other.
As for everything else. I have no fucking clue. My friend and I are alright. I guess? The friendship her and I have is worth 100% more than what AJ and I had. Besides, I know if I chose AJ, even if it had work'd out, i would have to cut ties with Ryan and my friend cause I know my feelings come back really quick for Ryan and as for my friend, she' wont be having that. But all in all, AJ and I can't work out. Whether his reason is genuine or not, I dont' care. I trust him &thats that. If people wanna make me think otherwise, do so. Its not like I'm with him now. and hmm, good thing cause when I talk to Ryan, feelings still come back.
I'm a mess.
New Years Resolution 2009.
- Grow closer to God.
- Stay focused on school.
- Stop drinking. No exceptions.
- Try to stay MIA from clubs.
- Get hold of my emotions.
--\\ No more flings. - Lose 10lbs.
- Job + New car.
- Move out. More independent.
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| Falling for Ryan Visitacion
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| You reminisce in your thoughts so deep you don't even start to realize how much farther you have gone from point A to point B. Only at such a point when you start to look back, do you realize how much you have grown and how much time has passed itself. Time goes by fast yet controversially we speak as though we're in a time where it's timeless. I beg to differ with these subtle misunderstandings and controversals.
A year ago, my life was picture perfect but I never viewed it that way for the right reasons. The right reasons should have been for my happiness and for the things I love but instead it was FOR the person I love, never for myself. Two years ago, I lived my life based on trying to make my friends happy and today, I live my life to fill my needs and as well as doing the best to fill in other's needs when I am capable to. I don't need to live life filling other people's desire but its my desire to do so that quenches my thirst in finding liberty to do it. I'm not sure whether I am living this way because of how much hurt i felt with the person I loved or from my friends...but I do know that we can never truely be happy but pursue our redemption for happiness.
Right now, I'm not happy with everything but I'm content. I can't complain about what I have cause I know some who go through worse and still make it through the day with a smile. My family... isn't great and yet I hold on to what they represent cause they still hold on to me to give me food, shelter and ...hard love (lol) . My friends...I get annoyed of them cause they have yet to grow up but I love them and cherish memories cause those are gonna be the times I look back to and tell my grand kids about. Then theres my lovers..cherishable boyfriends, I had some good and some bad but mostly bad. It doesn't matter though cause what I learned out of them and what experience each person gave me to mold me and change me matters.The aftermath..Not so much. Can you look at yourself and say 'Im a solid person who doesn't change'. You can't...If you're that confident, I'm sure people around you aren't as much as you can be.
Updated.
It doesn't matter how perfect one person can get, its all about sticking with one person even through their flaws and mistakes. I'm not sure if this fella of mine can be that person for me but I hope so. I may not show how much I love him but I think of him a lot more than he probably realizes. I'm trying to keep it on the down low cause I dont want to get hurt. Only time can tell if he's willing to stick with me. The best thing I can do is wait. I can't say I'm not trying just because I dont tell him how i feel because ... I'm here to dedicate and reassure him of who I am regardless who he is and what is or what he was cause what matters is NOW. I want someone who can look at me with no regards to where I came from, what I am, what I've done and still hold my hand and look into my eyes teling me they will be there for me and they love me. THAT is something a real man does for true love. He promises and reassures me he can be that..but something in my gut tells me he's no different. but I'm trying =/ So idk. I do love him. and stressing over college applications is not helping right now. FFREAAAAAL. Its senior year ! Shit is RAINING on me. Btw, I got a temp. car until i get my 96 Civic Manual xD. Hm, Im getting a job around January . I'll be in Cali for the summer. Annnd my senior project is gon' be dopeee . I'll keep that posted on xanga. Myspace is getting boring.
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| A full year has passed and left. I'm quite amazed at the turnouts yet not satisfied. | | |
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